Angler An obsessed individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect, a truck whose color can best be described as Rust-Oleum, and a pristine boat that he chamois' down methodically before and after each trip.
Knot (1) An insecure connection between your hook and fishing line. (2) A permanent tangle on your spinning reel which forces you to go out and buy a bigger, better, much more expensive rig.
Landing Net A net used to help drag a large wiggling fish, or an inebriated fishing buddy, on board.
Live Bait The biggest fish you'll handle all day.
Quiet Water Your surroundings after you stop cursing your bad luck and fall asleep at the reel.
Skunked fisherman One who returns to the boat ramp many, many hours after his buddies have gone home so that there are no witnesses to his catch or lack thereor.
Sinker (1) A weight attached to a lure to get it to the bottom. (2) The nickname of your boat.
Thumb A temporary hook holder.
Treble Hook Triples the odds of your catching a fish. Quadruples the odds of your getting the hook caught in your thumb (see above).
Trolling What you do after you've lost a $500 rod and reel set-up overboard.
1. The primary purpose of expensive fishing lures is to separate a fisherman from his wallet. Attracting fish is secondary.
2. 7 out of 10 misplaced lures will eventually be found in someone's thumb.
3. Most lures fall into one of two categories: (1) The lures that a fisherman swears he swears by and that he will generously share with you, and (2) The ones that he hides because they really work.
4. The reason the spoon is such a popular lure is it's versatility, which allows an angler to successfully go after a large variety of fresh water and saltwater fish, and in a pitch it will also function a primitive beer can opener when the pop-top breaks off.
5. Lucky Charms cereal will work as well as some of the most sophisticated flies. Especially the marshmallow hearts and stars.
6. Not only can you use lead shot in rattling lures so that they make noise and attract the fish, but, if you are not currently entered in a tournament, you can also put shot in the fish themselves just prior to putting t he fish on a scale to impress your friends.
7. Ideally, the best sinkers are wide enough and heavy enough to knock out a large fish so that he floats unconscious to the surface and you can avoid all the mess and fuss normally associated with reeling him in.
8. A grenade can be useful when trying to free a snagged lure.
9. When on a fishing vacation, always
remember: No matter what the locals will tell you, and how much
they charge for the tip, the only guaranteed places to find fish
are listed in the Yellow Pages under "Fish Markets."
"All right, whose going to be a sport and show me their favorite fishing hole?"
"Anyone know who owns the red pick-up out front that I just hit?"
About the shop's merchandise: "Look at all this antique tackle."
"Let me tell you about a fish I once caught..."
"What! No high-tech lures? How can you people catch anything?"
"One of you has got to be named Bubba...let me guess."
"You do take travelers checks, don't you?"
"Your rods look as if they were wrapped at the Lighthouse Project for the Blind."
About a picture hung behind the cash register: "Are those some ugly fish you caught or is that a family portrait?"
"I only use imported hooks."
"I need a new rod. Do you have anything in blue to match my reel?"
When a woman walks into the shop: "Want to see my lure?"
And never, ever say: "You call this
live bait? Why, in New York we..." (You won't get any
further than that.)
These are exerpted from Sandy Lindsey's upcoming book of fishing humor, tentatively titled, "7 Out Of 10 Missing Fish Hooks Will Evnetually Be Found in an Angler's Thumb." To be put on the mailing list for a free e-mail subscription to The Sandy Lindsey Newsletter, please send your e-mail address to the Sandy Lindsey Newsletter. We here at FishersNet would like to thank Sandy for her contribution and look forward to the publication of her fishing humor book.
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